Finding My Way Read online

  I put my bag on the kitchen counter and flop down on my new comfy couch. It is oversized with the softest cushions ever, you really sink into it. I love it so much that I have actually spent a couple of nights sleeping out here; it is comfier than my bed. It is beige with a few floral aqua and blue throw cushions. I only bought it about a month ago so it still has that new furniture smell. It was Kat’s idea; she said I had to have some new furniture before her hens’ night as there weren’t enough places to sit. She was right. So she took me to a few of the local furniture places and persuaded me to buy it. It seats four people quite comfortably, or more if you squish together a little. It cost me over a thousand dollars, but I am glad that I spent the money. It is my new favourite place to be. Kat always seems to know what I need.

  When Josh moved out of the apartment he took the two couches we bought together with him. It became quite bare, but then everything felt empty at that time so I just accepted it. All that was left here were two old mismatched armchairs that I had inherited from my parents. One is brown and the other is blue. Last week I bought a couple of extra throw cushions in aqua and blue and somehow with the new couch and its cushions it all ties together nicely. In fact, it looks a lot nicer than when we had Josh’s black leather couches in here. Now the place looks a little more like a home, not as bare as it did after he left.

  A loud knock interrupts my thoughts. I open the door and it’s Kat, she gives me a quick hug as she bounces through my doorway.

  “Hey Em,” she gives me a wide grin. She looks well. Her straight blonde hair falls just past her shoulders and her green eyes sparkle. She’s come straight from work.

  We have similar jobs, Kat and I. I am a receptionist at a printing company and she is an assistant for the managing director of a publishing company. Although she does have more responsibilities than I do and has worked her way up the corporate ladder from the lowly receptionist position that she used to occupy. I am yet to get where I want to be. Kat has more drive than I do. I am quite happy to plod along and she is constantly looking at ways to better herself. That is reflected in the way Kat dresses too as she looks like quite the business woman in her black pencil skirt and tailored black jacket, with a pink silk shirt. I am dressed in black dress pants and sensible shoes, whereas she is wearing heels and stockings, something that I only do on rare occasions. Our outfits tend to say a lot about our personalities I think.

  “Hey,” I smile back at her.

  “So let’s get cleaning,” she says as she makes her way to my living room. She takes a look around to assess the damage. “Or not!” She throws her hands out dramatically. “Where’s the mess? Em I told you I was going to help you clean up!”

  “Yeah but the party was Saturday night. Today’s Monday Kat. You know me; I couldn’t live with the mess yesterday so I tidied it all already.” She actually does look annoyed. “Sorry to disappoint.” I laugh. She should know by now that I couldn’t leave it until tonight. I spent yesterday afternoon, throwing out stale chips, washing glasses and bowls and taking out the trash. I even vacuumed.

  “You even vacuumed!” Gee, nothing gets past her. “Why didn’t you tell me when I called you at work? I could have saved myself the trouble of visiting you,” she snickers. I just shake my head at her with a smile on my face, because I know she’s not serious.

  Its Monday night, we always hang out at my apartment on Monday nights. Luke has footy training and Kat doesn’t like being alone at their place at night. Our favourite show is on telly, which we always watch together. Plus it’s cheap night down at the local pizza shop and we always have a couple of drinks, eat our half price pizza’s and watch TV together. It’s a Monday night tradition we started when Josh left. I think at first it was because she didn’t want me to be alone too often, but now I think it has become one of the highlights of the week for both of us.

  We order our pizza and pour a couple of wines, take our shoes off and put our feet up on the coffee table, relaxing into my comfy couch.

  “So anything new with you?” she asks.

  “Nope,” I give her my usual answer.

  “Well it’s about time I got a different answer from you.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I mumble. Really? What did she expect? My life is not too exciting at the moment. Other than the times I’m with Kat or at my folks place, I work, I come home, that’s it. “So how are all your plans going? Any problems I can help you with?” I offer a change of subject; of course she immediately knows that I am referring to her wedding plans. It has been the topic of conversation for the past couple of months. Rightly so too, she is getting married in less than two weeks.

  “All good. Don’t forget we have a fitting on Saturday at eleven.”

  “As if I would forget,” I roll my eyes at her. She knows that I would never forget something as important as her final wedding dress fitting, which is my dress fitting also. I am so happy for her and for Luke. And I have been with her every step of the way as she has been preparing for her big day. She really is every bit the ‘blushing bride’!

  “Emma, I don’t think I thanked you enough already, so thank you. Thank you for everything you have done these past few months. Especially for my hens’ night! I had such a good time! Thanks for organising it.”

  “You’re welcome, honey. But you can stop thanking me; you thanked me about a hundred times on Saturday night.” I laugh. Kat was so drunk, we all were really.

  “Did I?”

  “Yes as you were leaving. When your Mum was pushing you into the taxi, don’t you remember?” It was the funniest sight. Erin, that’s Kat’s mother, was quite intoxicated herself as she tried to drag Kat into the taxi. They almost fell over a couple of times.

  Kat thinks for a moment and I see the recognition on her face, “Oh yeah I vaguely remember something like that!” She blushes and we both giggle. “It was such a great night!”

  “The best!” I state matter-of-factly, smiling at her.

  “That is because I have the bestest best friend in the whole wide world!” She smiles back at me.

  “Ditto!” I say.

  Kat truly is a beautiful woman, inside and out. My best friend, I love her to bits. We have been friends since we were 10 years old, so almost 14 years now, and I couldn’t imagine what life would have been like without her.

  All conversation stops when our favourite show comes on TV. Talking only takes place during the ads and in between bites of our pizza that arrives halfway through the show. We talk about nothing in particular, mainly the characters and storylines on the show.

  When it’s finished and we have had our fill of food, Kat fills me in on her latest endeavours at work. She is organising a big event with some authors, for her boss. It will be held at a swanky hotel in the city in a couple of months’ time. A full on cocktail party, she is really excited about it. She talks a little about Luke and his job, he works as an electrician. He started working for himself last year and it has been going very well. He’s just hired another electrician to help him with the workload and is hoping to expand his business even further with possibilities of hiring an apprentice next year. She speaks about her man with such pride, it makes me hurt. I wish that I didn’t feel so lonely. It’s moments like these that I miss having Josh around the most. I used to love bragging about him and his landscaping business too.

  “So tell me about the eyebrow shaving at Luke’s buck’s night?” I ask.

  “Well, they went back to Jake’s house after the bar. Luke passed out on the couch-”

  “He’s such a lightweight!” I interrupt.

  She gives me the evil eye, but with a hint of humour because she knows I’m right. Luke is not much of a drinker, which is why he is usually the designated driver of our group. “So anyway, Marty, Jake and Josh kept drinking. Well you know what Marty gets like after a few. He suggested that they shave off Luke’s eyebrow. They all laughed because I don’t think they thought Marty was serious! Jake told me the next thing he knew Marty was leaning
over Luke with a razor in hand. Jake tried to pull him away and Marty started swinging. Well you know Jake, he automatically hit back.” Jake is Kat’s older brother. He’s a good guy but he does have a temper at times, especially after a few drinks. “Josh got between them and broke it up before anyone got hurt.”

  “Lucky Josh was there then.” He usually is the voice of reason with those boys, the most level-headed.

  “I reckon!” Kat agrees. Then her smile fades. “Oh that reminds me…”

  “What?”

  “So I have some news… but I don’t think you are going to like it,” she says, changing the tone of the conversation.

  “What?” I ask, now I’m curious.

  She hesitates, “It’s Josh… he’s seeing someone.”

  “What?” I whisper, I feel winded. I keep telling myself that I am over him. And I think I am. But… oh… he’s seeing someone… “Oh!” I exhale.

  “I’m sorry. I know that it is probably hard to hear. But I thought I better say something coz I didn’t want you to find out at the wedding.”

  “He’s bringing her to the wedding?!” I ask totally shocked. My voice is a little louder than I intended.

  “NO! No way!” she speaks just as loud, shaking her head. She looks at me reassuringly and speaks a little softer, “He wouldn’t do that to you. He didn’t even ask to invite her. He only told Luke at the buck’s night. I don’t think he has been seeing her very long, I think it’s quite new.”

  “Oh… Do you know who she is?” I ask, although I am not sure I want to know the answer.

  “No idea. Luke says he thinks it is someone he met through work or something, but he’s not sure. Are you okay?” I can see that she is wary of my reaction.

  “Yes… no.” She puts her arm around my shoulder. “I know that I should be… but…”

  “I know honey, I know,” she says, giving me a squeeze.

  “Wow. It’s happened. He’s moved on.” I don’t know what else to say. I stare at nothing in particular. I cannot describe what I feel. How am I supposed to react to this? Josh and I were together for seven years. Seven whole years! It was just assumed that we would get married one day. Assumed by our friends, our family and even ourselves, I didn’t prepare for this.

  “You will move on too. In fact, you need to move on Em. It’s time.” I know Kat’s only trying to help but I am sick of hearing it really.

  “I don’t know how. Just when I think I am getting over it, something happens to remind me that I miss him.” And then my eyes are watery again. I haven’t cried over Josh for weeks.

  The last time I cried over him was when I re-arranged my bedroom and found an old t-shirt of his behind the chest of drawers. It was a t-shirt that I bought him, navy blue with a picture of a Native American, in full headdress, on it. It held no particular meaning, but he had it for years, wore it all the time. I bought it for him and he discarded it behind some furniture. It felt symbolic of our relationship. I cried uncontrollably when I found it.

  When the tears finally stopped, I remembered how the t-shirt got there, which made them start all over again…

  Josh had been home from work for maybe half an hour. It was nearing the end of our relationship so we had been fighting the previous night, of course, and weren’t speaking to each other. We’d always had such a good relationship until those last few months, so fighting was new to us and it hurt like hell.

  It was a Saturday afternoon and Josh had just had a shower as he usually did after work. I stupidly spilled juice all down my top. I pulled it off as I came into the bedroom to change and he was in there putting that navy blue t-shirt on. His hair was still damp and he was watching me as I walked in. At first I could see the irritation on his face but then as he looked me up and down, his demeanour changed. He looked up through damp strands of his long blond hair, his blue eyes lingering on my bra and then they worked their way back up to meet my eyes. His look intensified and that’s all it took. That was all it ever took for Josh and I, a look, that look. Within seconds I had that t-shirt back off of him and tossed over to the chest of drawers. I vaguely remember it falling… How did we go from passionate love-making to screaming matches so easily?

  Kat gives me a hug bringing me back to the present, “You don’t want him back, Em. You don’t want to be with him, it’s just the comfort and the habit of Josh that is holding you back. You have to let him go.”

  “You’re right, I know. I don’t want to go back there.” But as I say it I don’t feel the conviction of my words. I really don’t want to go back there, do I?

  Kat clears our glasses and plates off the coffee table and takes them to the sink. I follow her with the leftover pizza and put it in the fridge.

  “I’ll wash those Kat, just leave them.”

  She places the dishes in the sink and turns to me. She gives me a look of sympathy. Sympathy I don’t want. I really do need to move on. I know she feels bad for being the one to tell me about Josh, but it’s not her fault.

  “I’m grateful that you told me Kat. It would have been a lot harder had I found out from Josh, or worse, by seeing him with her.” I try to appease her with a half-hearted smile.

  Kat grabs her handbag and I walk her to the door.

  “Chin up sweetie. The right man for you is just around the corner, you just need to be ready to look.” She says as she gives me a quick squeeze of a hug. Pulling back she adds, “In the meantime, you can just keep fantasizing about that stripper while using your vibrator!” Kat says lightening the mood.

  “I can always count on you to look at the bright side, can’t I Ms. Katherine Greene?” I laugh.

  She leaves soon after that. After I close the door I head straight for the bathroom to have a shower. As tears stream down my face, mingling with the water, I cry yet again for Josh.

  I get dressed in my pyjama bottoms and the t-shirt that I have been sleeping in most nights, since I found it a few weeks back behind the chest of drawers.

  The right man is just around the corner? Really Kat? If he is, am I ready for that? I know my hormones say yes, but what about my heart, my head and my soul? He’s seeing somebody. I know that I don’t want to be with him, but, he’s seeing somebody.

  I don’t expect that I will be single forever. So can I really expect Josh to be? Of course not! I knew he would find someone eventually. We broke up months ago, eleven months ago in fact. Kat is right, it is time to move on.

  Seth

  Parking my car in the underground car park I glance at the time and see that I’m a little late today. Great start to the week! If only Max had his headphones on last night, maybe I would have had a better night’s sleep. Man, that guy loves his surround sound! He is such a gamer. All he does when he gets home from work is fire up his two computers and multi-play his ‘virtual life’ away. If he paid a bit more attention to his ‘real life’ the house wouldn’t be in such a mess and he wouldn’t have misplaced his bloody headphones. I will make it my mission to find them for him when I get home tonight. I am not going to toss and turn again tonight listening to explosions and grunts from whatever online game he’s playing to all hours.

  I grab my satchel from the passenger seat of my car and head for the elevators. I have only been working here for four weeks and I’m really enjoying it so far. I’m yet to make real friends as I have been so busy learning the ropes. Bob, the guy I took over from, was a nice enough guy but he was old and set in his ways. He had been doing the job so long that it was second nature which made getting information out of him rather difficult. He wasn’t that good as a teacher, often making me feel like an idiot for asking any questions.

  Looking after the computer programming for a company of this size has been a huge adjustment for me. The last job I had only had ten people in the office compared to the thirty or so employees they have at G & C Printing. However, I’m starting to settle in now.

  I have never really been that good at making new friends but I think that, given time, I will possi
bly make a few here. One of the office girls, Sophie, has been quite friendly, good looking too, but overly talkative. Pete in accounting is nice, we’ve gotten lunch together a couple of times. Emma, the receptionist, seems okay, she usually seems preoccupied or a bit stand-offish though. My new boss Julia is pretty easy-going too.

  When I get off the elevator I see Emma at her desk.

  “Hey Emma! How was your weekend?” I ask when I reach her.

  “Seth,” she says huskily. She obviously has been thinking of other things because she seems startled to see me. She blushes, “Sorry, I was daydreaming.” She says looking me right in the eyes.

  “You do that a lot,” I reply, thinking maybe she just doesn’t like her job or something because she seems to be on another planet whenever I talk to her. “So, how was it?”

  “Oh… it was a blast! Big night! Kat had a great time… I think. It’s all a little blurry.” She says with a slight grimace on her face.

  “That good huh?” I smile at her. She told Sophie and me all about the hens’ night she had planned for her friend on Saturday night, stripper included. She strikes me as the kind of girl that would love to party, so not my type at all.

  “Well I’m glad that it went well,” I say before I walk away. I can’t help but smile as I can see that she is daydreaming again and probably hasn’t even heard me.