Finding My Way Read online

  Finding My Way

  By Megan Keith

  Copyright © Megan Keith 2013

  All Rights Reserved

  Cover Photo © Sergey Lukankin

  Cover Design by Kari Ayasha of Cover to Cover Designs

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people or real places are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  All songs titles and lyrics quoted herein remain the property of the respective copyright holders.

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the author, unless in quote form.

  This book is dedicated to my brother who always stood outside the box. Steven you were taken too soon and never got the chance to find your way. I am forever grateful for all your encouragement to reach for the stars. I miss you xx

  Finding My Way Playlist

  I believe every story deserves a soundtrack. Movies just wouldn’t be the same without music, right? I think the same goes for books. Lyrics to songs are also stories in their own right. The beat to a song can add a physical reaction. Songs can set the tone for a scene, tell a person’s innermost thoughts, and convey emotions. Here is a list of songs that are either mentioned in the book, were imagined by me to be playing in the background of a particular scene, or just provided me with inspiration. I hope you like this music as much as I do. (Listed in order of appearance.)

  1. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together – Taylor Swift

  2. Trembling Hands – The Temper Trap

  3. Lights – Editors

  4. An End Has A Start – Editors

  5. Shadowplay – The Killers

  6. All the Pretty Faces – The Killers

  7. Change Your Mind – The Killers

  8. New Slang – The Shins

  9. Sex On Fire – Kings Of Leon

  10. The Funeral – Band Of Horses

  11. For Whom The Bell Tolls - Metallica

  12. Get The Party Started – P!nk

  13. Sexy and I Know It – LMFAO

  14. Keep Your Head Up – Ben Howard

  15. Sometimes – Miami Horror

  16. Feel So Close – Calvin Harris

  17. The Island, Pt. I (Dawn) – Pendulum

  18. Chasing The Sun – The Wanted

  19. Spitting Fire – The Boxer Rebellion

  20. Diamonds – Ben Howard

  21. Only Love – Ben Howard

  22. Little Lion Man – Mumford & Sons

  23. Settle – Two Door Cinema Club

  Emma

  Sex. It’s all I can think about these days. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I am a horny teenaged boy! But I am not a boy and I don’t even have the excuse of being a teenager anymore. I wish I could get my mind off it. I like sex, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t like thinking about it all the time. And normally I don’t, I barely think about it. But the last couple of weeks it seems that’s all that I do think about! All of the time!

  Maybe because it has been a while since I have had any. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. I am not some sex-crazed woman. I have only been with one guy… ever.

  You know the typical story. We were high school sweethearts. Inseparable. Friends forever. Our futures planned together. His name was Josh. I thought he was ‘The One’. He may well have been, if we didn’t change. I didn’t change. He didn’t change. Truth is I’m not sure what went wrong. Josh and I just grew apart I guess? We were not happy anymore?

  We met when we were both 13. He was in my history class. He sat in the seat behind me. The first day I saw Josh I was instantly taken by him. I thought he was cute. Then again, I was only 13; I thought most boys were cute. No, he was different. It was his eyes, stunning blue eyes –

  “Hey Emma! How was your weekend?” And there he is. Adding fuel to my fire. One of the reasons, I think, I am so obsessed with thoughts of sex. No not Josh. It’s Seth. The I.T. guy at work.

  “Seth,” I blush looking up from my desk, I glare at his glorious physique. “Sorry,” I mumble, “I was daydreaming.” My eyes finally make my way to his.

  “You do that a lot,” he says. Do I? Oh no, am I that obvious? Surely not! He must have caught me staring at him more times than I am aware of. He smiles and it reaches his lovely brown eyes. Could I get any redder? “So, how was it?”

  How was what? I’m so flustered it takes me a second to realise what he’s talking about. On Friday he came into the kitchen at work when I was having a conversation with Sophie about Kat’s hens’ night. Apart from that conversation, he and I have barely said more than the occasional hello to one another, so that must be what he’s referring to.

  “Oh… it was a blast! Big night! Kat had a great time… I think. It’s all a little blurry.” I mumble that last bit.

  “That good huh?” he smiles. That smile. That one smile I keep seeing as I lie in bed at night, as I try to sleep. That smile. The one that randomly pops into my head, at the most inconvenient times. Like this morning when I was buying my train ticket. The guy over the counter gave me a huge grin and I wondered why, until I realised that I had a huge goofy grin plastered on my own face. I was thinking of Seth at the time, but the guy at the kiosk must have thought I was flirting with him. So he winked at me. Well he was kind of cute… he had these dimples… beautiful pale blue eyes… maybe I will see him again… Oh get your hormones in check! He wasn’t the reason you were smiling in the first place! Seth was. Seth is still standing in front of me. He is looking at me, probably wondering why I have lost my inability to speak. I blush again. I’m even daydreaming about other guys in front of him. What is wrong with me?

  “Well I’m glad that it went well,” he says, still smiling, and then he is gone.

  The phone rings.

  “Good Morning, G & C Printing, Emma speaking,” I say.

  “I hate Mondays. How’d you pull up yesterday?” It’s my best friend Kat, it was her hens’ night on Saturday night. Oh wait, did I already say that? I am still a little flustered.

  “I was rat shit. I slept until about two. How about you?”

  “Yeah I wasn’t much better. I had a lazy old day with Luke yesterday. He wasn’t feeling the best either.”

  “I bet. How did his buck’s night go?”

  “I don’t think it was as good as our night. Josh had to stop a fight between Jake and Marty when Marty decided to shave Luke’s eyebrow off after he passed out-”

  “He didn’t!” I interrupt.

  “No, the boys stopped him just in time. Marty is such an idiot! I don’t know why Luke and him remain friends sometimes. Lucky Jake and Josh were there. I would have been mortified if Luke had of come home minus an eyebrow. Marty should know better!” She actually sounds quite mad.

  “I don’t think that guy will ever grow up!” Marty was an idiot most of the time. He was Luke’s friend from high school. Marty and Luke didn’t go to the same high school as us, but I doubt that Marty has changed at all since he left school, he is so immature.

  “They went to a club and sang karaoke!” Kat says. “Can you believe it? Of course I thought they would have gone to a strip-joint or had a stripper at home at least. But Luke said he told them he wasn’t interested in that. The only girl he wants to see naked is me! He is such a sweetie!”

  “That he is. Or at least, you have him really whipped!”

  “Em don’t say that!” she giggles. Because she knows it’s true. “I wouldn’t have minded if he had a stripper though. We did.”

  “I know, and he was soooo hot!” I swoon. He came dressed as a cop. I was the one that organised it f
or her. In fact I organised the whole party. It was at my apartment. Well I am the maid-of-honour after all. Other than seeing them in movies, I had never seen a stripper before and was quite shocked at how far he took things. He actually rubbed himself on every girl in the room. Not that I minded, when it was my turn - like I said, the stripper was hot!

  “What about those muscles?” Kat exhales loudly.

  “He was so damn ripped!” I blush. I don’t know why I am blushing. Maybe it is because I have fantasized about him too. What is wrong with me?

  “If I wasn’t already taken… he was a god!” Typical Kat, she thinks that she could get any guy to go for her. In fact, she probably could too. She is gorgeous! She has beautiful blonde hair and an amazing figure. But she only has eyes for Luke, ever since they started dating about 5 years ago.

  They started flirting at my 18th, no less. I had met Luke at my brother Ethan’s footy game. His little cousin played in the same team. We had spoken a few times at various games and he made friends with my then boyfriend Josh. I invited him to my 18th and the moment Kat and Luke met I could see that spark between them. It wasn’t long before they were joined at the hip. They really are the cutest couple. Too cute sometimes, sickly cute, which was especially hard for me when Josh and I broke up. It was so hard to be around them when my heart was breaking. They tried to tone down their affection when they were around me. I wonder if they did that around Josh too. After all Luke and Josh are best friends now as well. They have been ever since Kat and Luke got together.

  “You should have had a crack,” Kat says, interrupting my thoughts.

  “What? With the stripper? As if I would have a chance! He was a stripper for crying out loud, it’s his job to make girls drool. I am sure he has beautiful women falling all over him all the time.”

  “Well it could have been fun! You need some fun!” Kat says in a more serious tone.

  “Oh yeah. A hot night of passion with a god like that! I wish!” Actually yes, I think that is exactly what I need.

  “Em, I worry about you. It has been a year since you and Josh broke up-”

  “Eleven months,” I interrupt to correct her.

  “Long enough! You need to get back out there.”

  The phone rings. “Sorry Kat I gotta go. I’ve got a call coming in.”

  “Ok. I’ll see you tonight, help you tidy up.”

  “Sure. See you then”. I hang up and take the next call. “Good Morning, G & C Printing, Emma speaking.”

  ***

  A couple of teenagers are making out on the train as I head home from work. They are all over each other. It’s embarrassing, I feel like telling them to get a room! But mainly I am just jealous and trying not to watch. I remember when that was me and Josh. When we were teenagers, who had just discovered sex and we were catching the train to the city for the day, or coming home from the movies, finding it impossible to keep our hands off each other…

  As I said, we met when we were both 13. We became friends. We didn’t hang out all the time or anything, because at aged 13 you didn’t mix with the opposite sex. Not at our school anyway. Kat and I were just discovering boys and it was way too embarrassing to talk to them, most of the time. In class, Josh and I would occasionally share a joke or pick on the teacher and so on. But that was as far as it went then.

  I was drawn to him, though. And when I was 15 we had to do a history project together and things progressed from there. We became friends. Which turned into a crush, a madly sickening crush on my part, as I was officially smitten with Josh. But I was not ready to tell him that! I followed him around like a love-sick puppy. I am sure it was obvious to the entire school that I was into him. But we were friends too and I was happy to have him as a friend. Grateful even – because he really was the cutest kid in our class and I honestly thought I didn’t have a chance. He had short blond hair then and beautiful blue eyes. He was average build, just a little taller than me and his smile was wide and contagious. He was always so friendly with everyone. There were other girls at school that had crushes on him, better looking girls, popular girls. So Josh and I were friends.

  Kat had started going out with Josh’s friend Paul. We were both 15 at the time, and as Kat and I were best friends and Paul was her first boyfriend she didn’t feel comfortable, at first, being alone with Paul. I think Paul kind of felt the same way. So we went out together, as a group, the four of us, Kat, Paul, Josh and me.

  As Paul and Kat’s relationship took off, Josh and I began being the third and fourth wheels to their dates. They would be making out while Josh and I embarrassingly tried to look anywhere but at them. Eventually we started ditching them. Leaving them at a booth at the diner to walk home together or moving a few seats away from them at the cinemas.

  We found that we had a lot in common, the same tastes in music and books. Similar senses of humour. We really had become good friends then. So of course he was invited to my 16th. In fact, I had invited most of my class to the party just so it wasn’t too obvious that I wanted him there…

  As I hop off the train and walk the couple of blocks to my apartment I think about my 16th. We had the party at my house, in my parent’s garage. They had gone all out with the decorations; purple and black balloons and streamers, just as I had requested. They didn’t, however, allow me to have a party at night like I requested. They made me have it on a Saturday afternoon. They even made me put a finish time on the party invitations, which was so lame! At least they left us to it; they even managed to keep my brother Ethan out of the way for the entire event. We had the music blaring and surprisingly nearly everyone I had invited actually turned up, about twenty-five kids.

  A boy named Travis from my class asked me out that day. It was the first time I had been asked out by a boy and I was quite shocked. I only had eyes for Josh and I thought everyone knew that, but I still hoped somehow that Josh wasn’t aware. Even if, at the time, I had no hope of my crush actually going anywhere with Josh, I was dumbfounded as to why Travis would ask me out. I had never showed him any interest and other than inviting him to my party I had barely spoken two words to the guy before. I was scrambling to find a response to Travis, when Josh came up beside me and took my hand. I didn’t even know he had been behind me.

  Josh stood next to me and said to Travis, “Sorry mate, but Em and I are already dating.”

  He turned to me and gave me a wink.

  “Oh… uh sorry… I didn’t know… sorry,” Travis mumbled as he backed away. He was so red in the face. I felt sorry for him.

  I looked at Josh. He actually looked quite nervous, pale even. My heart was going a million miles an hour. I couldn’t hold his gaze. I looked down to my sweaty palms and realised he was still holding my hand. I went to pull my hand away but his grip got tighter. I looked at his face and found that he was looking down at our hands too. He glanced back up and also went red in the face.

  Then he started walking, gently pulling me along with him. He took me outside of the garage. Once we were far enough away from everyone he stopped.

  “Sorry about that. I hope I didn’t embarrass you too much.”

  “That’s okay,” I said, it felt like my cheeks were on fire. He was still holding my hand. We stood there in silence for what felt like forever. Josh and I both kept looking at each other and back at our hands that remained knitted together. Not knowing what to say to each other about what just happened. Eventually he let go of my hand. I was instantly horrified. I really liked him holding my hand. I had never held hands with a boy before, and I mean this was Josh… Josh.

  “Emma… um I was wondering… I mean, do you like Travis…? I dunno… sorry about that. I shouldn’t have said that we were dating. That was wrong of me… it’s just that…” he trailed off.

  I was just as stuck for words just as he obviously was. I didn’t know what was going on. I had never seen Josh stuck for words before that moment.

  “I don’t like Travis,” I blurted out.

  “Well I like
you… Will you go out with me?” he eventually managed to say.

  I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. I could barely breathe! I was even redder in the face if that was possible.

  “Yes,” I managed to mumble.

  He seemed relieved. He took back my hand and we walked inside to the party.

  Kat spotted us holding hands straight away and said rather loudly so that most people heard, “Well it’s about time!” It was so embarrassing!

  He barely let my hand go for the rest of the party. It was thrilling, holding hands with Josh at my Sweet 16th. I didn’t think my day could get any sweeter!

  But of course it did. As he was leaving to walk home, at the pre-determined finish time that my parents had enforced, so lame, he pulled me in for a hug and then as he let me go he leaned down for my first kiss. It was nothing fantastically romantic, but as far as a couple of sixteen year olds kissing for the first time, it was pretty special.

  Our relationship bloomed over the coming months. Paul, Kat, Josh and I hung out at school, after school, on weekends. Even after Kat and Paul broke up we still all hung out together, it was a little awkward at first but they remained friends, and even started seeing other people, I mean we were all just kids after all.

  After a year, if I was invited somewhere then Josh was too, it was to be expected. We were the package deal. Even our parents became friends. Josh and I were solid, we never argued, we were happy then…

  Climbing the stairs to my apartment on the second floor I reminisce about how happy we were still, only a little over a year ago. I unlock my door, closing it behind me, and put my keys in the little green glass bowl. It’s the glass bowl that I had bought from the market with Josh a couple of years back. It sits on the side table that I also bought from that same market with Josh. Although now, sadly, it only houses one set of keys instead of two.

  I look around my apartment, which is not much bigger than a modest motel suite. The front door opens into a little alcove with the bathroom off to the left; past the bathroom it opens out into a modern kitchen. The kitchen cupboards are white with a timber bench top and red splashback tiles over the appliances. It had been newly renovated not long before we moved in. It has a breakfast bar that overlooks the living room. The entire apartment is painted white, with dark coloured floating floorboards throughout. The living room has glass sliding doors that open onto a small balcony. It has two bedrooms opposite each other straight off the living room, both with doors to the same balcony. My bedroom is off to the right and a spare bedroom, or the junk room, off to the left of the living room. It is only a small apartment, but it feels so much bigger these days.